The star of TruTV's hit show, Lizard Lick Towing, shares stories of life as a small-town repo man, as well as the "Ron-isms" and "Ron-osophy" he is known for. Crazier than a sack of rabid weasels? Country as cornflakes? Gooder than grits? You bet he is! Week after week, millions of viewers tune in to Lizard Lick Towing to watch Ron Shirley outsmart the fist-swinging, gun-toting folks whose vehicles he's been hired to repossess. Staring danger in the face, Ron disarms them not with his size or his strength but with his wit-and especially with his trademark funny sayings that have come to be…mehr
The star of TruTV's hit show, Lizard Lick Towing, shares stories of life as a small-town repo man, as well as the "Ron-isms" and "Ron-osophy" he is known for. Crazier than a sack of rabid weasels? Country as cornflakes? Gooder than grits? You bet he is! Week after week, millions of viewers tune in to Lizard Lick Towing to watch Ron Shirley outsmart the fist-swinging, gun-toting folks whose vehicles he's been hired to repossess. Staring danger in the face, Ron disarms them not with his size or his strength but with his wit-and especially with his trademark funny sayings that have come to be known as "Ronisms." In Lizard Tales, Ron takes readers on a side-splitting trip through his wacky, colorful life. Growing up and raising heck in the Carolina countryside-where sushi is still called "bait"-young Ronnie was known to gig frogs, mooch moonshine from his pops, hunt, and cruise the strip in Myrtle Beach. He continues to get himself into hilarious scrapes and jams as an adult by tarring a roof during a lightning storm, inviting an angry deer onto his cousin's brand-new boat, drinking (and fist-fighting) with a priest, matching wits with his wife, Amy, and running repo with his sidekicks at the towing company. So kick back, help yourself to some 'shine (if you got it), let Ron tell you some stories, and prepare yourself to get licked!
Introduction 1. This Is a Dog- Eat- Dog World . . . So Don’t Come Around Wearin’ No Milk- Bone Underwear 2. Letting the Cat Out of the Bag . . . Is a Whole Lot Easier Than Putting Him Back In 3. Tell Me What You Need . . . And I’ll Tell You How to Get Along Without It 4. Trains and Trouble 5. Chasing Your Tail Gets You Nowhere Except Back to Where You Started 6. Go for the Ugly Early . . . And You’ll Never Go Home Alone 7. Don’t Ever Corner Nuthin’ Meaner Than You 8. Whoever Said You Can’t Buy Happiness Must Have Been Dead Broke 9. Don’t Ever Mess with Nuthin’ . . . That Ain’t Messin’ with You 10. You Always Catch More Flies with Honey Than Vinegar . . . If You Want to Catch Flies 11. Save Your Breath . . . You Might Need It to Blow Up Your Next Date 12. Being Big Don’t Make You Bad . . . No More Than Being Born in an Oven Makes You a Biscuit 13. Don’t Ride a Horse Till You’ve Checked Under His Saddle 14. Tighter Than a Frog’s Butt . . . And That’s Watertight 000 15. Either Fish or Cut Bait 16. If It’s Got Tires or Testicles . . . It’s Gonna Give You Trouble 17. It’s Better to Let People Think You’re an Idiot . . . Than to Open Your Mouth and Remove All Doubt 18. Life’s Always Simpler When You Plow Around the Stumps 19. You’d Rather French Kiss a Rattlesnake . . . 20. There’s Two Theories About Arguing with a Woman . . . And Neither One of Them Works 21. If Everything’s Coming Your Way . . . You’re in the Wrong Lane 22. Rapture Isn’t What You Get When You Lift Something That’s Too Heavy 23. I Married Miss Right . . . I Just Didn’t Know Her First Name Was “Always” 24. There Ain’t No Sense in Beating a Dead Horse . . . ’Course, It Can’t Hurt None Neither 25. If I Tell You a Rooster Can Pull a Freight Train . . . You’d Better Hook ’Im Up 26. Some Days You’re the Pigeon . . . And Some Days You’re the Statue 27. A Fisherman Is a Jerk on One End of the Line Waiting for a Jerk on the Other 28. Sometimes You Can’t Tell Nobody Nuthin’ . . . That Ain’t Never Been Nowhere 29. I Used to Have a Handle on Life . . . But Now It’s Broken Final Thoughts from an Uncommon Mind Acknowledgments
Introduction 1. This Is a Dog- Eat- Dog World . . . So Don’t Come Around Wearin’ No Milk- Bone Underwear 2. Letting the Cat Out of the Bag . . . Is a Whole Lot Easier Than Putting Him Back In 3. Tell Me What You Need . . . And I’ll Tell You How to Get Along Without It 4. Trains and Trouble 5. Chasing Your Tail Gets You Nowhere Except Back to Where You Started 6. Go for the Ugly Early . . . And You’ll Never Go Home Alone 7. Don’t Ever Corner Nuthin’ Meaner Than You 8. Whoever Said You Can’t Buy Happiness Must Have Been Dead Broke 9. Don’t Ever Mess with Nuthin’ . . . That Ain’t Messin’ with You 10. You Always Catch More Flies with Honey Than Vinegar . . . If You Want to Catch Flies 11. Save Your Breath . . . You Might Need It to Blow Up Your Next Date 12. Being Big Don’t Make You Bad . . . No More Than Being Born in an Oven Makes You a Biscuit 13. Don’t Ride a Horse Till You’ve Checked Under His Saddle 14. Tighter Than a Frog’s Butt . . . And That’s Watertight 000 15. Either Fish or Cut Bait 16. If It’s Got Tires or Testicles . . . It’s Gonna Give You Trouble 17. It’s Better to Let People Think You’re an Idiot . . . Than to Open Your Mouth and Remove All Doubt 18. Life’s Always Simpler When You Plow Around the Stumps 19. You’d Rather French Kiss a Rattlesnake . . . 20. There’s Two Theories About Arguing with a Woman . . . And Neither One of Them Works 21. If Everything’s Coming Your Way . . . You’re in the Wrong Lane 22. Rapture Isn’t What You Get When You Lift Something That’s Too Heavy 23. I Married Miss Right . . . I Just Didn’t Know Her First Name Was “Always” 24. There Ain’t No Sense in Beating a Dead Horse . . . ’Course, It Can’t Hurt None Neither 25. If I Tell You a Rooster Can Pull a Freight Train . . . You’d Better Hook ’Im Up 26. Some Days You’re the Pigeon . . . And Some Days You’re the Statue 27. A Fisherman Is a Jerk on One End of the Line Waiting for a Jerk on the Other 28. Sometimes You Can’t Tell Nobody Nuthin’ . . . That Ain’t Never Been Nowhere 29. I Used to Have a Handle on Life . . . But Now It’s Broken Final Thoughts from an Uncommon Mind Acknowledgments
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