By the age of thirteen, Lily Bailey was convinced she was bad. She had killed someone with a thought, spread untold disease, and ogled the bodies of other children. No act of penance was ever enough?no matter how intricate or repetitive. Beautifully written and astonishingly intimate, Because We Are Bad recounts a childhood consumed by obsessive compulsive disorder. As a child, Bailey created a second personality inside herself??I? became ?we??to help manifest compulsions that drove every minute of every day of her young life. Now she writes about the forces beneath her skin, and how they…mehr
By the age of thirteen, Lily Bailey was convinced she was bad. She had killed someone with a thought, spread untold disease, and ogled the bodies of other children. No act of penance was ever enough?no matter how intricate or repetitive. Beautifully written and astonishingly intimate, Because We Are Bad recounts a childhood consumed by obsessive compulsive disorder. As a child, Bailey created a second personality inside herself??I? became ?we??to help manifest compulsions that drove every minute of every day of her young life. Now she writes about the forces beneath her skin, and how they ordered, organized, and urged her forward. Lily charts her journey, from checking on her younger sister dozens of times a night to ?normalizing? herself at school among new friends as she grew older, and finally to her young adult years, learning?indeed, breaking through?to make a way for herself in a big wide world that refuses to stay in check. Charming and raw, harrowing and redemptive, Because We Are Bad is an illuminating and uplifting look into the mind and soul of an extraordinary young woman, and a startling portrait of OCD that allows us to see and understand this condition as never before.
Lily Bailey is a model and writer. She became a journalist in London in 2012, editing a news site and writing features and fashion articles for local publications including The Richmond Magazine and The Kingston Magazine. Lily lives in London with her dog, Rocky.
Inhaltsangabe
TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. CHESBURY HOSPITAL. Lily Bailey is in Chesbury Hospital, a private facility in London for patients with mental and physical illnesses. Lily is 19. 'The observation room is next to the nurses’ station; they keep you there until you are no longer a risk to yourself.' 2. MY FRIEND. Lily is in the playground, but her imaginary friend is not the others. She lives in her head all the time. 'Two of us sat side by side in my head, woven together, inseparable. She didn’t even have a name; she was just She. Really, it was hard to say where She ended and I began.' 3. THE LETTER. Lily gets a letter from school, which must contain terrible news. Lily hides the letter from her grandmother because this terrible news must not reach her father and mother. Lily is bad. Very bad. Her cousin has died: Lily killed him with a thought. 4. NEW SCHOOL. It is Lily's first day at Buxton House. The other children laugh at Lily. She repeats the words: 'Fresh start. Fresh start. Fresh start.' Lily creeps into her sister's room because Ella could stop breathing at any moment. It is important to check that Ella is alive. 5. MUM AND DAD. Lily is told to be concerned with hygiene when visiting the swimming pool. Lily resolves to take this very seriously. Her routines intensify. Intrusive thoughts pop into her head. Mum and Dad's arguing worsens. 6. SWEARING IN CHURCH. 'Church is not the place for these words, but we can’t make them go away. Fucking boring ass church. Crap, fuck, shit, wanker, cunt.' Lily is one of the best at maths, but when Lily makes a mistake her friend in her head says: 'Stupid. Stupid. Stupid'. 7. MOST APOLOGETIC GIRL. At the Buxton House Leavers’ Awards, Lily receives an unusual award. ‘I’m sorry I was laughing when you walked past me in the corridor yesterday. I want you to know it was about something Mia said. I wasn’t laughing at you.’ 8. HAMBLEDON. When she moves to boarding school, Lily's routines intensify. 'Recording our mistakes has become our full-time occupation. Most words are generated when interacting with other people, like at mealtimes or when everyone is hanging out in the dorm.' She lists her errors for 4 hours a day. 9. RUNNING FROM WORDS. Lily takes up athletics to flee from the lists that form in her heads. If she can run fast enough, the exertion - the sheer breathlessness - will silence her mind. 10. STUMBLING. Unable to keep up with her routines and overwhelmed with her lists, Lily's world finally collapses. She rushed to the bathroom. 'We curl up in a ball and rock back and forward. Normally the cold tiles make us feel better, but today they don't' 11. SPECIAL NEEDS DEPARTMENT. Lily has to take GCSEs and is awarded 'extra time' because she is a 'slow processor'. Her friend in her head takes issue with the extra time Lily has been given. She scolds her: 'Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat.' 12. COMING HOME. Lily feigns an illness so that she is discharged from school. Her mother picks her up and takes her to a homeopathic doctor who prescribes some pills. Her mother also takes Lily to a GP, who finds her iron is low. She is referred to a specialist 13. DOCTOR, DOCTOR. At a psychiatric hospital, Lily meets Dr Finch for the first time. Her friend insists there is no need to see this doctor. Has she ever let her down? Dr Finch says Lily has OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Her friend is unhappy. 'OCD is a mental disorder. What we do is good' 14. PILLS, PILLS, PILLS. Having an invisible friend is unusual in OCD, Dr Finch explains. She says that Lily is not a bad person, but is worried about being a bad person. Lily must do CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. She tells Lily to rest from her routines. Lily's friend is unhappy and mocks her. 15. DRIVING. Lily goes on a car journey with Dr Finch. Lily's friend is protesting, whining. Dr Funch says: ‘You know who your “friend” reminds me of? A wife beater. She beats you up in your head and calls you names when you don’t do what she says, and you follow her instructions because you’re scared' 16. THOSE WHO LOVE ME. Dr Finch sets Lily homework of graded exposure. To help cure her OCD, she has to resist recording lists of people she cares the least about. Lily decides she must do everything to make Dr Finch happy. But Lily wants to stop taking the anti-depressants she has been prescribed 17. THAILAND. Working in a nursery in London, Lily fears she has abused the children or that their food is unhygienic. During a gap year at a Thai orphanage, Lily's intrusive thoughts mock her. Her friend cackles about the basic washing up: 'Are you going to get sick?' 18. DUBLIN. Lily starts an English degree at Trinity College, lodging at university halls in Rathmines. The voice in her head grows frantic during Freshers Week, and she writes to Dr Finch about managing her OCD. Dr Finch says: 'Tackling OCD involves taking risks to find out what actually happens' 19. IT IS MY FAULT. Things reach a crisis point in Lily's life and she decides to give up her battle against the voice in her head, her OCD, the endless list-making and routines. She is found by her university friends and an ambulance is called 20. MENTAL WARD. Lily is transferred from intensive care in an Irish hospital to the psychiatric unit. She tells the psychiatrist: ‘I’m a bad person. I spend my life trying to be good and it’s never enough.’ ‘Is there anything else?’ ‘I love my doctor. I’m obsessed by her. It’s not an OCD thing.' 21. HARLEY STREET. Back in London after returning from Ireland, Lily is festering, writing endless lists. She is taken to a private consultation in Harley Street. Dr Dax says she will admit Lily to a private hospital in London, Chesbury. Lily escapes from her parents and ends up in a high-rise flat. 22. URINE TEST. Worried that she will contract HIV and die, Lily is forced to give blood - and a urine sample is demanded. Lily recites the Old list: I am preoccupied with four categories: BITCH LIAR, BODILY FUNCTIONS and PERVERT. 23. LOSER, FRIEND. Lily's list-making continues apace as her obsessive compulsions continue even during treatment, but she finds a friend and soulmate in Frankie and they have adventures together, breaking into an old part of the Victorian hospital building. 24. SKATING. Lily complains that Dr Dax at Chesbury Hospital is not giving her CBT for her OCD. 'I scream at her and ask her why she keeps changing my medication without explanation. My SPOILT category is going into overdrive, but for once, I don’t care.' 25. ASHLEAVES. Lily is transferred to a rural hospital. She still goes through her OCD routines, including the list-making, but her medication is stablised – and she is given CBT to combat her obsessive behaviour 26. NURSERY. Discharged from the hospital, Lily starts work at a local nursery in London. 'I picture the 0.01% of germs that couldn’t be washed off by the antibacterial soap crawling from my naked fingers deep into an apple segment, ready to be delivered into the innocent mouth of an unsuspecting child' 27. JOURNALISM. Still suffering from OCD, Lily gets an internship at a local magazine and meets an attractive surfer dude, Doug. Lily wonders if she is introducing obscene terms into the articles she writes. Lily gets a dog, Rocky, and finds that she does not worry about him being unhygienic 28. ROCKY. Lily is encouraged to an OCD support class, where she finds talking to fellow sufferers helps. 'I remember what Dr Finch said: ‘Your routines feed off isolation'.' 29. THE TRUTH. Lily meets an older man and slowly comes to terms with her OCD. I have existed for 21 years. I didn’t live them all, but from now on I am hoping to. Sometimes... grey thoughts saunter in like unwanted dinner guests; the trick is not to invite them to sit at the table.'
TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. CHESBURY HOSPITAL. Lily Bailey is in Chesbury Hospital, a private facility in London for patients with mental and physical illnesses. Lily is 19. 'The observation room is next to the nurses’ station; they keep you there until you are no longer a risk to yourself.' 2. MY FRIEND. Lily is in the playground, but her imaginary friend is not the others. She lives in her head all the time. 'Two of us sat side by side in my head, woven together, inseparable. She didn’t even have a name; she was just She. Really, it was hard to say where She ended and I began.' 3. THE LETTER. Lily gets a letter from school, which must contain terrible news. Lily hides the letter from her grandmother because this terrible news must not reach her father and mother. Lily is bad. Very bad. Her cousin has died: Lily killed him with a thought. 4. NEW SCHOOL. It is Lily's first day at Buxton House. The other children laugh at Lily. She repeats the words: 'Fresh start. Fresh start. Fresh start.' Lily creeps into her sister's room because Ella could stop breathing at any moment. It is important to check that Ella is alive. 5. MUM AND DAD. Lily is told to be concerned with hygiene when visiting the swimming pool. Lily resolves to take this very seriously. Her routines intensify. Intrusive thoughts pop into her head. Mum and Dad's arguing worsens. 6. SWEARING IN CHURCH. 'Church is not the place for these words, but we can’t make them go away. Fucking boring ass church. Crap, fuck, shit, wanker, cunt.' Lily is one of the best at maths, but when Lily makes a mistake her friend in her head says: 'Stupid. Stupid. Stupid'. 7. MOST APOLOGETIC GIRL. At the Buxton House Leavers’ Awards, Lily receives an unusual award. ‘I’m sorry I was laughing when you walked past me in the corridor yesterday. I want you to know it was about something Mia said. I wasn’t laughing at you.’ 8. HAMBLEDON. When she moves to boarding school, Lily's routines intensify. 'Recording our mistakes has become our full-time occupation. Most words are generated when interacting with other people, like at mealtimes or when everyone is hanging out in the dorm.' She lists her errors for 4 hours a day. 9. RUNNING FROM WORDS. Lily takes up athletics to flee from the lists that form in her heads. If she can run fast enough, the exertion - the sheer breathlessness - will silence her mind. 10. STUMBLING. Unable to keep up with her routines and overwhelmed with her lists, Lily's world finally collapses. She rushed to the bathroom. 'We curl up in a ball and rock back and forward. Normally the cold tiles make us feel better, but today they don't' 11. SPECIAL NEEDS DEPARTMENT. Lily has to take GCSEs and is awarded 'extra time' because she is a 'slow processor'. Her friend in her head takes issue with the extra time Lily has been given. She scolds her: 'Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat.' 12. COMING HOME. Lily feigns an illness so that she is discharged from school. Her mother picks her up and takes her to a homeopathic doctor who prescribes some pills. Her mother also takes Lily to a GP, who finds her iron is low. She is referred to a specialist 13. DOCTOR, DOCTOR. At a psychiatric hospital, Lily meets Dr Finch for the first time. Her friend insists there is no need to see this doctor. Has she ever let her down? Dr Finch says Lily has OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Her friend is unhappy. 'OCD is a mental disorder. What we do is good' 14. PILLS, PILLS, PILLS. Having an invisible friend is unusual in OCD, Dr Finch explains. She says that Lily is not a bad person, but is worried about being a bad person. Lily must do CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. She tells Lily to rest from her routines. Lily's friend is unhappy and mocks her. 15. DRIVING. Lily goes on a car journey with Dr Finch. Lily's friend is protesting, whining. Dr Funch says: ‘You know who your “friend” reminds me of? A wife beater. She beats you up in your head and calls you names when you don’t do what she says, and you follow her instructions because you’re scared' 16. THOSE WHO LOVE ME. Dr Finch sets Lily homework of graded exposure. To help cure her OCD, she has to resist recording lists of people she cares the least about. Lily decides she must do everything to make Dr Finch happy. But Lily wants to stop taking the anti-depressants she has been prescribed 17. THAILAND. Working in a nursery in London, Lily fears she has abused the children or that their food is unhygienic. During a gap year at a Thai orphanage, Lily's intrusive thoughts mock her. Her friend cackles about the basic washing up: 'Are you going to get sick?' 18. DUBLIN. Lily starts an English degree at Trinity College, lodging at university halls in Rathmines. The voice in her head grows frantic during Freshers Week, and she writes to Dr Finch about managing her OCD. Dr Finch says: 'Tackling OCD involves taking risks to find out what actually happens' 19. IT IS MY FAULT. Things reach a crisis point in Lily's life and she decides to give up her battle against the voice in her head, her OCD, the endless list-making and routines. She is found by her university friends and an ambulance is called 20. MENTAL WARD. Lily is transferred from intensive care in an Irish hospital to the psychiatric unit. She tells the psychiatrist: ‘I’m a bad person. I spend my life trying to be good and it’s never enough.’ ‘Is there anything else?’ ‘I love my doctor. I’m obsessed by her. It’s not an OCD thing.' 21. HARLEY STREET. Back in London after returning from Ireland, Lily is festering, writing endless lists. She is taken to a private consultation in Harley Street. Dr Dax says she will admit Lily to a private hospital in London, Chesbury. Lily escapes from her parents and ends up in a high-rise flat. 22. URINE TEST. Worried that she will contract HIV and die, Lily is forced to give blood - and a urine sample is demanded. Lily recites the Old list: I am preoccupied with four categories: BITCH LIAR, BODILY FUNCTIONS and PERVERT. 23. LOSER, FRIEND. Lily's list-making continues apace as her obsessive compulsions continue even during treatment, but she finds a friend and soulmate in Frankie and they have adventures together, breaking into an old part of the Victorian hospital building. 24. SKATING. Lily complains that Dr Dax at Chesbury Hospital is not giving her CBT for her OCD. 'I scream at her and ask her why she keeps changing my medication without explanation. My SPOILT category is going into overdrive, but for once, I don’t care.' 25. ASHLEAVES. Lily is transferred to a rural hospital. She still goes through her OCD routines, including the list-making, but her medication is stablised – and she is given CBT to combat her obsessive behaviour 26. NURSERY. Discharged from the hospital, Lily starts work at a local nursery in London. 'I picture the 0.01% of germs that couldn’t be washed off by the antibacterial soap crawling from my naked fingers deep into an apple segment, ready to be delivered into the innocent mouth of an unsuspecting child' 27. JOURNALISM. Still suffering from OCD, Lily gets an internship at a local magazine and meets an attractive surfer dude, Doug. Lily wonders if she is introducing obscene terms into the articles she writes. Lily gets a dog, Rocky, and finds that she does not worry about him being unhygienic 28. ROCKY. Lily is encouraged to an OCD support class, where she finds talking to fellow sufferers helps. 'I remember what Dr Finch said: ‘Your routines feed off isolation'.' 29. THE TRUTH. Lily meets an older man and slowly comes to terms with her OCD. I have existed for 21 years. I didn’t live them all, but from now on I am hoping to. Sometimes... grey thoughts saunter in like unwanted dinner guests; the trick is not to invite them to sit at the table.'
Rezensionen
'Extremely compelling' - The Guardian 'Remarkable... She writes with literary poise and a gift for mordant observation and self-deprecating humour that belie her youth. I hope this book finds a wide readership. It will offer solace to OCD sufferers... for other readers, it will provide a harrowing sense of what many OCD sufferers have to endure just to get through the day.' - Scott Stossel, Washington Post 'Model and journalist Bailey offers an authentic and stunning account of her struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in this beautifully-rendered memoir.' - Publishers Weekly 'Often as chilling as Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, but also full of so much inner and external turbulence that it reminded me at times of The Bourne Identity and Memento.' - Will Black, Huffpost UK 'A harrowingly honest memoir of profound psychological struggle. In her courageous book, the author offers compelling insight into the pain and destructive power of OCD as well as the resilience of a young woman determined to beat the odds.' - Kirkus Reviews 'A fascinating read. It's brilliantly written; I felt inside your head' - Ray D'Arcy Show, RTE Radio 1 'Because We Are Bad is an emotional, challenging read. Lily takes us deep into the heart of the illness but she is also a deft writer, and even the darkest moments are peppered with wit and wry observations.' - James Lloyd, OCD-UK 'I laughed, I cried. I could not put this book down. Intensely moving with flashes of black humour, Because We Are Bad is the compelling account of one young woman's experience of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.' - Rosanna Greenstreet, freelance journalist 'It's a fascinating read... Buy the book! Buy the book!' - Jo Good, BBC Radio London…mehr
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