Now That I'm Still Here
A Memoir of Ruin and Resurrection
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Some resurrections aren't miracles. They're choices made in the dark-when your lungs beg for surrender, and you teach them to keep breathing. When Chris Carazas's marriage collapsed under the crushing weight of psychological abuse, the fallout was more than legal papers and a change of address. It was erasure. The life he had built, the identity he thought was unshakable, the version of himself he had fought to hold together-all gone in the space of a single, brutal season. In the silence that followed, there were two suicide attempts. An apartment that remembered too much. The faint hum of ap...
Some resurrections aren't miracles. They're choices made in the dark-when your lungs beg for surrender, and you teach them to keep breathing. When Chris Carazas's marriage collapsed under the crushing weight of psychological abuse, the fallout was more than legal papers and a change of address. It was erasure. The life he had built, the identity he thought was unshakable, the version of himself he had fought to hold together-all gone in the space of a single, brutal season. In the silence that followed, there were two suicide attempts. An apartment that remembered too much. The faint hum of appliances in the night, reminding him he was still here when he didn't want to be. And then, the diagnosis: autism, late in life, arriving like both a revelation and a reckoning. It was a name for the patterns he'd hidden, the masks he'd worn, the meltdowns punished and misunderstood since childhood. But naming it didn't undo decades of damage-it exposed it. Now That I'm Still Here is the record of what happens when survival is not a clean break into light, but a crawl through shadows you thought you'd left behind. Carazas draws a map in blood and breath-leading the reader through the locked doors of a psychiatric ward where strangers become unlikely lifelines; into the hallways of an intensive outpatient program where healing comes in uneven steps; and back to mornings where the act of pouring coffee is as sacred as any prayer. At the center of this journey is Shadow, his German Shepherd-constant, watchful, and unyielding. Shadow is not a pet in these pages but a sentinel, a guardian who stood between his owner and the tide more than once. Around them, a handful of people form a fragile constellation of rescue: a sister who drove hours without hesitation, a friend whose laughter cracked the silence open, a few rare souls who stayed when it would have been easier to leave. Carazas writes with the lyricism of a poet and the precision of a survivor cataloguing evidence. His prose burns hot and then drops to a whisper. Memory arrives in fragments: the slam of a door, the burn of winter air, the echo of words meant to wound. Symbols repeat and return-the white room where he was taken in, the garage light in the moment before collapse, the tide that tempts him to vanish, the daffodils blooming in defiance of frost. This memoir refuses to soften the truth. It doesn't rush to the part where the pain is over. Instead, it walks you through the raw aftermath-past the places where he almost didn't make it-until the breath returns. Not as a miracle, but as a relic dug from ash, still warm from the fire. For readers of Joan Didion, Matt Haig, and Cheryl Strayed, Now That I'm Still Here is a work of survival, identity, and defiance. It's a reminder that the decision to live is rarely made once-it's made over and over, in the smallest of moments, in the quietest of rooms. It's not just a story. It's a testament. And it will stay with you long after the last page is turned.
